How I Imagine Myself As A Judge

Mother: My baby got squashed and crushed intentionally.

Father: It wasn't me!  I swear to God I didn't do it!

Me:  You do know the law amongst our people is that one is 'not to lie to one another' just as it is written?

Father: Yes *looks sad*

Me:  And yet I know you are an honorable man based upon your reputation, and besides for me to execute you would take two witnesses.

Me to an assistant: I will count the woman as a possible witness.  Tell me.  Is there another witness?

Assistant: No judge, we only have one witness that can be found.

Me:  Very well, crush his testicles so he knows the weight of what the woman has been through.  It should be of equal measure.  Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth.

*Waits a moment for the weighted reality of the judgement to fully set in on the man.*

*I wait three and a half seconds*

Assistant: Sir, our laws state that a woman is to be put to death for crushing a man's testicles.  Perhaps I have gone too far.

Me:  Very well, I'll have mercy and leave it to a higher court.  For now, you have definitely been taught a very serious lesson.  I expect that the higher court will take my ruling into consideration and be merciful upon you as well in its own way.

Me:  All are adjourned! *bangs gavel*

Other members of the court properly and kindly handles those who are too emotional.

Me: I still sit there until any possible unusual matters are resolved.